Hold Tight
by AoifeRose
Summary: Post "Motherly Love" - very small spoilers, nothing major. Amanda and Olivia can't shake the case. Amanda goes to Olivia in the hopes she can help. She helps in a very different way than either of them expected.


**A/N This is set straight after 18x10 'Motherly Love' so there are some VERY small spoilers.**

The knock on the door startled Olivia. It was after 8 p.m. and she wasn't expecting anyone. She kissed the top of Noah's head and ruffled his hair as she stood and opened the door. The little boy continued playing with his toy truck, driving it up the table leg and over the glass top of the coffee table.

"Rollins." The note of surprise in her Lieutenant's voice as she opened the door almost made the detective turn around and leave as quickly as she made the decision to make her way to the apartment. Before she had the chance to leave Olivia opened the door wider.

"Come in."

Amanda nodded and smiled as Olivia's face softened, the initial shock fading.

Noah jumped up from the floor and ran to greet their visitor. "Manda, hi! Where's Jessy? Are we going to the zoo? Can I have cake?"

"Woah, hey, one question at a time." Noah sat on the floor and Amanda sat down beside him, his big brown eyes watching her, waiting for the answers to his questions.

"Not going to the zoo today buddy, it's a bit late. Plus, Jessy would like to go too but she's asleep right now. But I promise we can go soon and yes we can have cake."

"Tomorrow?"

"Maybe not tomorrow but soon I promise." Noah nodded, seemingly content with the answers he'd gotten and returned to playing with his truck.

Amanda stood ruffling his hair the way Olivia had done minutes earlier. She walked into the kitchen where Olivia was pouring two glasses of wine.

"I figured you could do with one of these. I know I could. I've just been sitting here all evening watching him play and eat and act like a total goofball."

Amanda took the proffered glass and took a sip. "I did the same until she fell asleep and then I couldn't stop thinking. I was thinking so much it felt like the walls were closing in. I asked Kim to mind her and I started walking. I ended up here. Sorry for interrupting your evening."

"Don't be, it's fine. It's almost his bedtime so I likely would have ended up in the same place once he went to sleep. In fact, it's past his bedtime now but I just wanted to spend some more time with him." Amanda nodded knowing exactly what she meant.

"I should really put him down or he'll be a serious grump in the morning. Do you mind?"

"No course not, I'll be here if that's ok?"

"I generally don't offer wine to people I'm planning on kicking out." Olivia gave Amanda a quick wink causing the detective to smile. She nodded as Olivia made her way into the living area to pick up her son and put him to bed. Noah however, wasn't going without a fight.

"Manda, Manda, no. I don't want bed. Manda, I want Manda."

Olivia's exasperation was clear. It had been a long week and she was exhausted. She hadn't got the energy for this fight and Amanda knew she could make it easier.

"Ok Noah. I'm going to put you to bed but on one condition", she said as she met them at the entrance to the kitchen.

"What?" the little boy pouted.

"I get to pick the story."

Noah giggled and the sudden tears that appeared at the announcement it was bed-time dried up.

"Ok?"  
"K"

Olivia smiled and handed her son over to the other woman. She watched the blonde carry him down the corridor to his bedroom, listening as they chatted about what they would go and see the next time they visited the zoo. Olivia retreated to the living room to tidy up the toys scattered everywhere and she had only just settled on the sofa when Amanda arrived back in the living room.

"He wants a kiss goodnight." Olivia nodded and gave Amanda's arm a quick squeeze as she walked by.

Amanda sat on the sofa and took another mouthful of the fruity red wine from her glass Olivia had placed on the small side table beside the sofa.

A couple of minutes later Olivia arrived back to hear soft jazz playing in her living room. She was sure it wasn't a CD she owned and then she saw Amanda's phone on the table.

"Music helps clear my head. It doesn't seem to be working tonight though."

"I tried pizza. That didn't work either."

"What does?"  
"Honestly? I haven't a clue."

"I wanted to slap her. How did you stop yourself? I mean you got closer than most of us today."

"I suppose I just kept thinking about Luke and how messed up his life was already. Me causing a scene wasn't going to change that. Trust me I came close."  
"I always wonder if my temper means I wasn't really cut out for SVU. I mean homicide maybe. Even Vice. SVU though?"

"Rollins you are a brilliant SVU detective. There are times when I've wondered the same about myself."  
"You? You were made for this job."  
"I'm not sure whether to take that as an insult or a compliment given you don't think you have the temperament for it."  
"A compliment trust me. I tend to act first think later. You… well you do this… better than any other cop I've ever worked with." Amanda wasn't au fait with offering compliments and her Lieutenant wasn't used to receiving them either. So, the awkward silence that followed needed to be broken, fast.

Amanda decided it was on her since she caused it so she reached for the tie in her hair to release the pressure that was building in her temples.

"Man, I need to get this cut. I can't remember the last time I actually had the time to get my hair cut".

"I've found a place with a crèche. But if you want you can leave her with me. And aside from all that your hair suits you that length." Amanda opened her mouth to protest and Olivia held up a hand.

"I just wanted an excuse to take that cuddle monster from you and snuggle all day."

"You wouldn't have wanted to snuggle her at 3 a.m. when she was wailing cause she woke herself up after she threw her pacifier in her sleep and it landed on her head. Then again at 3:20, and again at 4:35; this time though it ended up on the floor. After that going back to sleep was a waste of time."

"Rollins you've been awake 16 hours. Did you even have a break today?"

"I had a sandwich around 11 a.m., I think."

"Leftover pizza?"

Amanda smiled and nodded following Olivia into the kitchen. The meal didn't require two sets of hands but Amanda hadn't realised how hungry she was until food was mentioned.

Amanda stood watching Olivia move around the kitchen thinking about her day, about how things were at home.

She only realised Olivia was speaking to her when she felt a hand on her arm.

"Sorry what?"

"I said how are things with Kim?"  
"She's on her meds from what I can tell, she's got a part-time job. She's even paying me some rent. I still don't trust her but at some point, I have to give her something."

"You're doing an amazing job Rollins, you have to give yourself some credit. After all she's done… well let's just say if she was my sister she wouldn't be living with me."

"We only ever had each other Liv; we reared each other. When she's on her meds she's a different person."

She didn't realise Olivia's hand was still on her arm until she felt another squeeze. "Amanda I'm not having a go. You are doing so well; you should be so proud of yourself."

Amanda lowered her eyes to the floor and bit her lip to try and stop the tears. As hard as it was for her to give compliments she didn't take them easily either. For the life of her she couldn't see how she was doing anything right at the moment, the fact that Olivia thought she had confused her. Why was she always beating on herself?

"Woah, hey, Rollins… Rollins?"

Amanda raised her head with effort and felt Olivia's arms come around her snaking under her own and pulling her close. She allowed herself to be held for the first time in what felt like forever. She felt a hand travelling the length of her back rubbing softly as the other hand rested on her lower back. She was aware her tears were soaking into Olivia's sweater but neither woman cared. The longer they stood there, the more they both realised what started out as a hug to comfort Amanda was fast becoming an embrace to comfort them both, to try and eradicate what had been a truly awful couple of weeks.

Amanda was the first to speak quietly, so quietly Olivia almost didn't hear her; "Don't let go."

Olivia kissed her temple and Amanda pulled back slowly, watching for any sign that the next move she was about to make was the wrong one. The heavy-lidded gaze from brown eyes told her it wasn't. The first brush of her lips against the brunettes was almost imperceptible, so much so she wasn't sure it had happened until she realised her eyes were closed. She opened them and a small smile graced her lips fleetingly as she saw that Olivia's eyes were still closed. They were still closed when Amanda leaned back in, this time making sure it was real by grounding herself with her hands; one on Olivia's hip the other, fingers spread along the base of her neck. Amanda felt her legs getting weaker as Olivia's hand moved from its place on her lower back down to her ass, fingers massaging through denim as her Lieutenant's tongue found her lips, began to ask for entry, an entry she willingly allowed, caressing Olivia's tongue with her own. She moaned as Olivia broke the kiss, moving her attention to her neck. Amanda was once again reminded of the trembling in her legs as Olivia gave her a gentle shove, trying to find the nearest solid surface. It was the counter top and Amanda was thankful for its support as Olivia's hand moved under her shirt, touching her bare skin for the first time. She moaned as Olivia reclaimed her lips and lifted her onto the counter top in one fluid movement. Amanda sat right at the edge, bringing Olivia against her by wrapping her legs around her hips. Olivia reclaimed her lips in a deep kiss, this time moving her hands to the front slowly unbuttoning the baby blue shirt Amanda had grabbed from the laundry that morning in her sleep deprived state. One thing she most certainly wasn't anymore was sleepy. Olivia pulled her white tank top over her head and then reached behind her with the intention of unhooking her bra. However, she stopped momentarily to make eye-contact. "This is where you need to say no if you don't want this. Because I'm going to be beyond rational thought the next time I touch you, so now is the time." Amanda's answer was to pull Olivia to her with her legs, sliding her hands under the hem of her sweater, lifting it off her head and kissing the first bit of bare skin that she saw when it was off. Reaching behind the brunette she unclasped her bra as Olivia did the same with hers and sucked in a breath as they both leaned back and she caught her first glimpse of Olivia topless. She was beautiful and Amanda wanted to see more. But before she got a chance to reach out Olivia hands were undoing the fly on her jeans encouraging her to lift her hips so she could slide them off. The granite was cold against her skin as she lowered herself back down but the feeling of coldness was immediately replaced by one of warmth as Olivia began to massage her through the cotton black boy shorts she was wearing. Leaning in she captured her lips in another searing kiss, tongues fighting for dominance as Amanda pulled the taller woman closer, wanting to feel as much of her as she could, cursing the edge of the counter top for stopping her pulling Olivia closer. When Olivia removed her hand, Amanda looked down about to protest, but it died on her lips as she watched Olivia's hand slip into her underwear, her index finger slipping through her wet folds, the tip circling back up to find her clit, causing Amanda to inhale sharply as Olivia started a gentle circular motion, simultaneously making a similar pattern with her tongue on Amanda's right nipple. Amanda gripped Olivia tight to her with her legs, crossing her ankles to hold herself and the woman pleasuring her in place. Olivia continued to tease her clit so much Amanda was sure she was going to explode before Olivia ever entered her. And she wanted to feel her inside so badly. She managed to croak out a quiet "inside" and Olivia took the hint immediately. Her middle finger teased Amanda's opening for a second, testing before entering her fully. The feeling of Olivia finally inside her almost sent Amanda over the edge immediately but she clung on, both literally and metaphorically, as the other woman entered her with a second finger and began a rhythm that made Amanda's whole body tingle. The feeling of Olivia inside her, fucking her, while her mouth kept up its insistent sucking on her nipples drove Amanda crazy. She just needed one more thing and she managed to whisper it; "clit". Olivia smiled against her breast and raised her head to whisper against her ear "You're bossy, has anyone ever told you that?" as she covered the detective's clit with her thumb. Amanda rested her head against Olivia's shoulder, knowing her orgasm was imminent. Her senses were hyper aware and she felt every nerve ending firing as the final couple of thrusts filled her, Olivia's thumb keeping up an insistent pressure on her clit. As she kissed her deeply Amanda screamed into her mouth as she came, spasms gripping Olivia's fingers over and over as wetness coated her palm. Olivia pulled back from the kiss, allowing Amanda to catch her breath but staying inside her as she kissed her temple. The silence was broken by Amanda "I can be bossy, but only when I really want something. And right now, that something is you."

Sliding from the counter top, slightly shaky on her legs, she took the other woman's hand and they walked towards her bedroom, almost tripping more than once as quick probing kisses were exchanged. Once there Olivia flipped the switch on the small bedside lamp. She wanted to be able to see everything that happened, needed to see Amanda as she touched her.

She felt arms come around her from behind, gentle open mouthed kisses being placed all the way down her spine. As Amanda's lips moved lower, so too did her hands. She found the clasp on Olivia's slacks and opened them seeing them fall to the floor. She turned Olivia, now clad in only her pink panties, in her arms and kissed her again. This time she didn't hold back, she showed her in the kiss that followed everything she wanted to do and everything she needed from her. Olivia understood almost instinctively, and moved towards the bed, sitting down and bringing the blonde with her, allowing her to sit astride her. The brief kiss followed by the first flick of a wet tongue over her right nipple caused Olivia to dig her heels into the bed. The next flick sent fingers grasping blindly into blonde hair as Olivia struggled to keep her hips on the bed and tried to encourage the lithe woman above her to keep sucking, keep sending jolts through her body that had long been absent. She was successful and her concentration was so focused on the gentle grazes of teeth and soft licks and sucks of her now hard nipples that she didn't notice the hand gliding down her body until it passed her belly button and was resting firmly on her pelvic bone.

The soft southern accent spoke quietly against her right chest; "Tell me how you want it?" Coherent thought was impossible so Olivia went with the first thing that came to mind; "Hard and fast," the hoarse reply came.

Amanda wasted no time in granting her wish and as quickly as she felt one finger glancing through her wet folds, she felt another inside her, testing to see how ready she was. One finger was swiftly joined by another, filling her Lieutenant as her hips rose off the bed to meet the thrusts of fingers buried deep inside her.

"Fuck… there." Amanda complied, holding her position inside Olivia as she continued to circle her clit. Olivia began to move her hips, riding the fingers buried inside her clinging to the body above her.

"You ok?" Amanda wasn't sure she'd get an answer but she needed to ask. Olivia bit back another moan as she gasped. "Yes… don't… don't stop."

"I won't, I promise." Olivia bent her right leg angling her hip so she could turn slightly onto her side. Digging her heel into Amanda's lower back she could get the final deep thrust she needed at the right angle to come. Amanda felt the tightening around her fingers and the body below her tense and relax repeatedly as the orgasm travelled through Olivia's body. She kept still for moment's waiting for the spasms to taper off before beginning to move back up Olivia's body.

"Stay inside." The plea was soft as Amanda rested her head over Olivia's heart listening to the powerful thudding.

"You ok?" Olivia asked, caressing the blonde hair splayed across her chest.

"Mmmm… amazing."

Olivia chuckled and Amanda felt it under her cheek.

"What's got you laughing."

"I couldn't think of a word to describe what that was, you just gave me it."

"I don't think I've ever left a woman speechless before."

"Do this often, do you?" Amanda sensed the small tinge of jealously to the words. The fact the most wonderful woman she'd ever met, this gentle, trusting, amazing woman was jealous made her instantly regret what she'd said. She felt the need to explain.

"No, it's been a very long time. Eight years. Her name was Lily."

Olivia felt silly now at the sudden flair of jealousy. Reaching for Amanda she encouraged her to move so she was lying fully in her arms, kissing her cheek and then her lips as she curled into her body.

"Can I ask what happened?"  
Amanda was quiet for a bit and Olivia almost regretted asking until the heard that voice she loved to listen to speak again. "She was killed in Iraq, IED. They never stood a chance. All seven of them were killed."

Olivia tightened her embrace. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok, I've accepted it. It took me a really long time. It was part of the reason I started gambling. I needed a distraction, needed to stop feeling anything. It helped."

"Cragen never told us."

"He didn't know. Not even Fin knows about her. I didn't feel like disclosing my love life when I got here, I didn't really feel like talking about any of it. Some of it just followed me without my permission. Lily is always in my heart. In fact, Frannie was her anniversary present to me for our second anniversary. That's one of the many reasons she means so much to me. Ma told me I needed to get rid of her when Jessy came but I knew she wouldn't harm a hair on Jessy's head. She had Lily's temperament because she trained her so I knew in my heart I could trust her. I'm sorry I'm waffling."

Olivia stroked the bare skin of Amanda's back, massaging her neck and shoulder as well.  
"You're not. And I'm really glad you told me. I wish I'd known sooner."  
"I don't talk about her often, not to anyone."

"Well the option is there if you want to. That's if…"  
"Yes. Yes, this needs to happen again." Amanda was the one to laugh this time at the urgency in her voice. She leaned up and kissed Olivia, a smile gracing both their lips.

"I'm gona agree with you on that one. She took in the smiling woman beside her. "Your hair really does suit you that length by the way, I wasn't making it up. It was a really bad attempt at flirting, I know but I tried."

Amanda laughed and pulled Olivia close, throwing a leg over her toned stomach and kissing her neck. "It wasn't awful, I mean you got me naked in your bed at the end of it."

"True." Olivia asked the next part reluctantly but already knowing the answer; "Do you need to go?"  
Amanda nodded ruefully against her shoulder. "I don't trust her to mind Jessy overnight, not yet. I'll plan it better next time."  
"I'm already looking forward to next time." Olivia had never meant anything else more sincerely.

"Me too. I can stay for a while if you set an alarm for midnight."

"I'd like that." Olivia reached for her phone and set an alarm putting "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran on play as well, feeling the words and beat fill the room. 

" _I'm in love with your body_

 _Last night you were in my room,_

 _Now my bedsheets smell like you._

 _Every day discovering something so brand new…"_

The words were apt and the embrace was full bodied as the two women curled into each other as far as they could, holding tight.


End file.
